haha this made me giggle..
Just one of those days.
You ever wake up and know that it’s going to be one of those days? Where things start off bad and continue to get worse from there on out? Well, for me, today was one of those days. First, I woke up to my phone alarm ringing obnoxiously and n the floor. I couldn’t reach it, and scratched my arm up bad when I tried. When it finally occured to me that this obviously was not going to work, I got up moved my bed and turned it off. Unfortunately, I woke up Meg, Amy, and Ashley during this. It shouldn’t really be a big deal, but it just started this day off kinda shitty. Most of the rest of the day went well, but walking back from Psych made it kind of worse. Monday the school is having some activity at the bell tower to raise awareness about a certain topic that is extremely sensitive to me. They have been up for a while now, but for some reason they really resonated with me today. All the signs ‘89% are commited by people the victim knows’ and ‘64,… people were documented last year’. Then there is basically an isle of specific stories with shoes next to them. And I started thinking, what was I wearing that night? And I remembered sadly, nothing. I was barefoot. Completely vulnerable. The thought stayed with me the rest of the day. And, like normal, once I think about that one situation, I begin to think about all the other bad situations I have been through. The humiliation and embarassment that I NEVER wish on any other human being. I always say that these things made me a stronger person, but I don’t actually see it yet. I still see the pushover 15 year old who couldnt make the decision to eat without making sure everyone else was okay with it. Three years ago, all of these things happened. It seems like such a long time, but my best friend told me today as I was crying into her shoulder that maybe it is NOT that long after all. I honestly never thought my situation was as big a deal as all of the other stories I hear. Nothing ever happened to me from someone I didn’t know or wasn’t ‘dating’ at the time. I always assumed it was my fault. That I could’ve stopped it. That I could’ve pushed harder, punched them, or actually been willing to stand up for myself. But as much as I feel bad about myself, I need to start to understand that it was not my fault. I normally don’t like to hate people, but I honestly hate a select few people from my past. I hope they rot in hell like the devils that they are. The selfish BASTARDS that they will ALWAYS be. I am not over what happened to me yet, but I know I eventually will be. I have friends who love me for who I am (even if I don’t know who that is exactly) and I will always have someone to turn to. But you three. The three people who have haunted my life for three fucking years. The three that gives me my recurring nightmare and are the driving force behind my trust issues. YOU three, will NEVER BE AS GOOD A PERSON AS I AM. you will ALWAYS be SHITTY people at heart. One day I will be able to say that you don’t deserve my tears, that I am over it, but right now, you still win. You assholes. You win for now. I hope that one day this neverending nightmare stops, but for now, I am content with talking out my feelings with people who actually give a fuck about me. I will no longer be your booty call, your game, your toy. I will begin to realize that I am STRONGER than I was and stronger than any of you three ever will be.
I am so lucky I have amazing friends at school and at home. Thank you all for seeing me even though I can’t see myself.
Ashley, you are my rock. I will no longer keep my feelings inside because I think it might bother you. I don’t know how to thank you enough, love you booboo.
Going insane…
So far, it has been about a day and a half without a cigarette…
It’s killing me. All that is on my mind now is how bad I want a smoke, how I absolutely crave the taste and smell of them. Shockingly, I am not as bitchy as I thought I’d be. The patches are definitely helping. I don’t get lightheaded or anything when I’m on them so I guess that’s a plus. I just hate not smoking. I love it. I love the first inhale you get when you light up, and how the rush to your brain is almost immediate. It’s a sense of calm. You get in this “high” where you feel better instantly just because you know you still have half a cigarette left. Most people start to do it solely out of habit, but for me it was always an escape. Lock keys in car? Smoke. Fight with cole? Smoke. Bad grade? Smoke. It was always an escape. Now I have to figure out some other way to release stress…
Going to see how long I can continue this. I’m anxious to see how I’ll feel about this in a week. Until then…
for Ashley lol.
